Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's Wednesday, and I'm still not relaxed!

So it's day three of my spring break, and I am still unable to settle myself and get relaxed. Instead, I piddle around the house, plan shopping expeditions, reorganize closets, think about plans for next week.. all fun and constructive activities, yes. But my mind is still buzzing, my focus still centered on DOING, DOING,DOING.

In years past, when my kids were young, I took this week as a chance to "act as if". That is, I happily slid into the AT-HOME MOMMY mode I secretly coveted. I used the time to enjoy my kids all day long, sans daycare, and I loved it. Yes, we moved in a more relaxed manner throughout our day (no early morning rush out of the house), but real relaxation escaped me, and rightly so. It was all about the kids.

Now, #1 Son doesn't need me (work and grad school keep him busy), and Hokie Girl is wrapped up in the fun of being a high school senior (my social butterfly). This is more or less MY TIME, and I've been unable to use it to the fullest.

I've got to ask myself why.

Habit? Is it just too hard to break the cycle of doing? Are my expectations for relaxation too high?

Fear? Is the silence of the quiet moment too scary? In silence, will I find something I don't want to know?

A good question for another day, another vacation.

In either case, I can't help it. My thoughts wind their way back to the kids and to my teaching, even as I try to leave it all behind. This is probably a good thing. Being a teacher is, after all, something you are, not just something you do.

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